Ego taken down a notch...check

Scene: the Alfred family living room. The Alfreds are gathered to read the scriptures and have family prayer. This is very important to the family's salvation because it is the immediate precursor to Bedtime, the promise of which is the one thing preventing Meegan from going crazy and doing something rash.

Aaaaaand....ACTION.

Ethan: So Satan actually thought that he could beat God?

Jon: Yes. He thought that if he could get Adam and Eve to eat the fruit, it would wreck Heavenly Father's plan. Even though Satan lived with God, he still didn't really know Him.

Meegan: It's like how sometimes you guys think that you are smarter than your dad and I are.

Elijah: (condescendingly) But I AM smarter than you are!

CUT!!!

(Meegan counts to ten slowly while deciding whether to laugh riotously or throttle the child. She decides to laugh.)

Elijah, bright spot of my day (really), I would like to point out that before my brain leaked out my ears while trying to prevent you from, oh, say...running out in front of moving cars, I was actually considered *kinda* smart. So was your dad. I even have proof:



See???? See???? Those are TWO first place ribbons*! Science fair** AND History fair***! I was an interdisciplinary GENIUS and there's the proof****! And interdisciplinary geniuses are hot commodities, especially if one of the disciplines is environmental history, at least to hear the buzz in the post-grad history department at USU.

But still...there's nothing like a kid to really let you know how things are, huh?

*To be honest, I should probably give these to my dad. He really IS a genius, and he did a lot of the work on these...well, as much as possible without going from "helping your kid with her homework" to "doing your kid's homework."

**This one might legitimately be mine. The topic was "The Effects of Acid Rain on Plants," which Dad rightly considered too trendy and paranoid. So if I recall correctly, the extent of his involvement with this one was giving a 7th grader a strong acid. Hey, I was responsible. And no one got hurt. Pay no attention to the mysterious burn mark in the backyard grass...

***This one's definitely his. I did the research, but there was no way I could have mixed the resin for the model by myself.

****If I could find my stuff from Academic Decathlon, not only would I have irrefutable proof of my geniushood, but I could finally end the ongoing argument Jon and I have over who won. Duh...ME!

I'm the kid eating paper in the corner...

Elijah came up for air after a long bout of video game playing. I took one look at him and said, "You ate all the Doritos, didn't you?"



To which Elijah replied with utter incredulity, "HOW DID YOU KNOW????"



Well, let me tell you how I was able to discern that bit of naughtiness from just one look at him. When I took that one look at him, this is what I saw: orange handprints ALL OVER his white T-shirt. It did not take a rocket scientist to get that satellite into orbit.

Jon left an open bag of Doritos next to the computer.

PLUS

Both adults were upstairs, leaving the boys largely unattended.

PLUS

Elijah has my bad eating habits.

EQUALS

Empty bag of Doritos and one happy seven year old.

As far as Elijah's concerned, I have near-godlike powers of deduction. I'm all-seeing and all-knowing. Not only do I know when he eats all the Doritos, I know when he's fighting with his brother...even when I'm NOT IN THE ROOM.

Which got me to thinking...again...I think God probably looks at me and rolls His eyes the way I looked at Elijah and rolled my eyes. Only...not only do I have orange handprints on my shirt, I have CheezDust on my face and my hand is in the bag.

No, that's not quite right. If God looks at me the way I look at my four month old, I'm doing pretty dang good.

I used to think I was pretty capable and intelligent. Having kids beat that out of me fast. Now I know that I'm just like Gabe when he sits on my lap, rocking back and forth*, thinking he's pretty cool** because he figured out this awesome new trick. He thinks he's doing it all by himself and that he's totally safe.

HA.

He IS totally safe, but just because I'm helping him balance, a skill he hasn't mastered yet. If I let go, he would fall flat on his face almost immediately. Game over. But I don't let go because he's having fun. Not to mention the fact that I'm having fun playing with him.

Did I mention I fell flat on my face today, metaphorically speaking? I think God got tired of my God complex and let me experience just how much I was capable of without His help. Also, He probably got tired of my ingratitude.

Hopefully this time I'll learn the lesson--I imagine that if I don't, next time I'll get more than a face plant into a down comforter to gently remind me of How Things Really Are.

But I must say...it would be nice if I were all-knowing. Or at least "10% knowing." Yeah. That would be nice. Like elbow pads and knee pads and a helmet for life. Sigh.

*He does this for long stretches of time. It's his favorite game. We call it the Rock Back And Forth Until You Barf game. 'Cause that's how it ends every time. He yaks all over the place. We still let him play, we just put down a drop cloth first.

**For the record, he IS pretty cool.

Yer KILLIN' me, Smalls!

This is Gabriel.

I know, he's devastatingly cute. It's his lone survival skill. I'm glad he's not, say, a horse, and able to walk within an hour of birth. There are advantages to being able to find him exactly where I left him. I'm not looking forward to this stage ending.

Gabe thinks he's a teenager. He's up until AT LEAST 2 AM every night, he sleeps until noon if I let him, he eats a ton, and he doesn't lift a finger to help out around the house.

The only part of that I have a problem with is "up until AT LEAST 2 AM every night." You see, NOT being a teenager anymore, I:

1. can't stay up--gracefully, at least--past 11 PM

2. can't sleep in past 8 AM. Stinking grown-up responsibilities.

3. definitely need more than three hours of sleep per day. Did I mention that he routinely wakes up for a mid-sleep snack, generally around 6 AM, thus effectively waking me up for the day?

Summary: I am sleep deprived, even WITH my awesome partner parent who most certainly does his share.

Let's look a little more closely at Gabe's picture...aaaahhh...just as I suspected...there I am, wrapped securely around his little finger.

TANGENT: do you suppose the phrase is "wrapped around his little finger" because his fingers are little and can refer to my being wrapped around any of them, or is it specifically referring to his little/pinky finger? Just a random thought. I have those.

Back on track. There I am, in my sleep-deprived glory, wrapped securely around his little finger. Which is how THIS happened:

He's in his crib...sleeping. Don't judge me, people!

I know I gave up any shot I had at the "mother of the year" award when I decided to let him sleep in his car seat for the night. Let's get real, I gave up any shot I had of winning that Major Award long ago. At least he was sleeping...and at 3:30 AM, that's all I wanted. You'll notice that the straps are kinda fastened to create the illusion that we were going somewhere in the car. Not that we actually left the house...or his bedroom...

Note: he's in the crib so my loveable yet dumb dog didn't ***accidentally***eat his toes. But that's another blog dealing with Dharma and $75 dollars worth of plastic--and apparently tasty--breast feeding/pumping supplies that no longer exist. At least, in a "useable without questioning my judgement" way. She, too, is lucky she's cute.

And now, because he is asleep, I'm going to join him...

"If irony were strawberries, we'd all be having smoothies!"

They say that God speaks every person in an individualized way that s/he will understand. If that's true, when He talks to me, it's in a tone that's heavy on the sarcasm.

In fact, He probably would tape record ME talking to my kids just so He could play it back to me at JUST the right moment.

For example:

• Stop picking on your brother!!!! (said to the boys on any given day)
• I warned you that would happen! (generally said to Ethan when he decides to ignore my advice)
• You know, I'm not as dumb as you seem to think I am. (also to Ethan, when he looks at me like I have NO IDEA what he's talking about or going through)
• Do you know why you're in trouble? (to Elijah as an introduction to the "next time, let's..." speech)
• It would be nice if you would just take my word for it! (to either of the boys during the endless cross-examinations they give me 1. to make sure I've made up my mind or 2. to check my facts)
• Why do you assume I'll say "no?" (to Ethan, who stops himself mid-question EVERY TIME because he thinks he knows my answer. It's not ALWAYS no!)
• I think the phrase you're looking for is "thank you." (usually to Ethan, when dinner is something he doesn't like)
• I'm not trying to make you miserable...I'm trying to help you! (said repeatedly during homework and chores)
• Why aren't you listening to me? (or its corollary) How many times do I have to TELL YOU??? (you try making through a day without saying that when there are kids in the house!)
• Shhhhh....everything is going to be okay...I'm right here...[and then I kiss his forehead] (to the older boys after nightmares and to Gabriel when he is crying inconsolably because life as he knows it is miserable)

Thank heavens God is more patient than I am...I would have smitten me long ago...