My appliances are out to get me

First it was my oven.

And the hot water heater (which is impossible to set at a lower setting) has been an on-going issue.

Now it's the dryer.

It tried to kill me.

I even had to call 911.

This picture doesn't really do it justice, though.  There were three (3) full-sized fire trucks, an ambulance, a motorcycle cop, a regular police car, and two smaller fire trucks.

Let me tell you, I feel safe here, especially now that my dryer is dead.  If only for the emergency response teams, I LOVE this town now.  (shocking confession:  even the weather has grown on me)

In a nutshell, I had just got off the phone with Jon when I heard a really suspicious and ominous noise coming from the dryer.  (SEE?  Housework CAN kill you!!!!)  Being a moron, I picked up Gabriel and went to see what the problem was.  Note to self:  next time there is an ominous noise in the house, DON'T TAKE THE BABY WITH when you investigate. 

The problem was that my dryer was apparently possessed by Gildar, the smoke and spark fire demon.  There were curtains of sparks shooting out the back of the dryer, and because it was BEHIND the dryer, the whole show was lit up against the wood-paneled wall like a firework display.   And let me tell you, sparks and the smoke they produce do NOT smell comforting.  So NOT like a campfire.

I grabbed my phone and ran for the hills.  Maybe I'm not brave, but I didn't even TRY to see what was causing it.  I just called 911 and hoped the sparks weren't catching onto the piles of kindling (dirty clothes CAN kill you!) and the dryer-lint-filled trash can nearby.

This was one heck of a learning experience, though.  This is what I learned:

1.  Our local response teams are QUICK.

2.  When told to evacuate a house after seeing my dryer come alive and try to kill me, I really didn't care about ANYTHING in the house except Gabriel.  If the boys had been at home, they would be on the list, too, but...sad admission...if things had gotten more serious the dogs wouldn't have survived.  Now, removed from it, I feel guilty about that, but at the time...not so much.  I didn't even grab my purse. 

3.  I really need to make a list of valuables in case we ever actually have to make an insurance claim.

4.  Druggie neighbors scatter when sirens roll up in front of their house.  (tangent:  our new neighbors hold raging keggers FREQUENTLY.  Jon finally lost his patience and went over at three in the morning to ask them to tone it down, only to find them all totally high.  He came back smelling like pot, which--let me tell you--started an interesting late-night conversation because I didn't even realize he left the house.)

5.  "There is no such thing as coincidence--only small miracles God doesn't take credit for." I was supposed to be grocery shopping, but got sidetracked.  I can't imagine what would have happened if I hadn't been here--or even upstairs, where I couldn't hear the noise.  Today goes on the list of times the Lord was watching out for me and mine--even though when push came to shove I didn't care about the STUFF, I'm glad I don't have to worry about buying new clothes for the boys.

6.  Have I mentioned I'm grateful that I was protected?  This could have ended A LOT worse--I'm just out a dryer and the house smells like acrid electical fire.  It didn't even spread from the dryer onto the piles of adjacent kindling or into the wall.  BLESSED, I TELL YOU!!!!!!

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat a cake.  'Cause the adrenaline is wearing off and I'm a textbook comfort eater.

A weekend by the numbers

1:  The number of movies I managed to SEE ALL OF in Gabriel's presence.  (Iron Man 2.  I really liked it.)

2:  The number of times the dogs woke us up after midnight last night because the new neighbors were having a raging kegger and it was offending their doggie sensibilities.  Actual quote from Maddie, the cranky Sheltie:  "Don't those people know WHAT TIME IT IS?!?!?!?!?!  GO TO BED!!!!!!"

3:  The number of  questionable haircuts I inflicted on my family today.  Also, the number of hours we managed to stay for church (see number 2.  We were exhausted, and for once it wasn't Gabriel's fault.).

4:  The number of dead skunks on the freeway on the way home from picking up the boys.  Apparently, the highway between Brigham City and Logan is where skunks go to die around this time of year.

5:  The number of ladies who looked at me in pity when Gabriel turned on his Howler Monkey Mode during Relief Society.  The kid has a set of LUNGS.  But I'm not going to lie...I was kind of glad for the excuse to wander the halls.

(6 through 19 are, frankly, boring...so I skipped them)

20: The number of sleeps until Lisa and Jim's wedding.  YAY!!!!! (and I'm not just excited because it means a camping trip at Lake Powell, but that doesn't hurt....)

And if you still need proof that vegetables aren't as peaceful and benign as they would have us believe, go here.  It's chilling, really.
 

I stand corrected

He has TWO teef.

No wonder that lately we have to double bib to keep him dry, and even that isn't successful.

I has a TOOF!

Gabe FINALLY cut his first tooth.

It's right there, on the bottom, front and right.

He wouldn't cooperate and show it to the camera, so you'll just have to believe me.

It ONLY took a month of misery.

And drooling.  LOTS of DROOLING.

And Tylenol.  And Ibuprofen.

So, as a consolation prize, I introduced him to chocolate ganache.

YUM.

{I think.}

Yeah.  He decided it's pretty good.

Did I mention he has mad spoon skillz?

He does.

And then I made the fatal mistake of removing the spoon.

He was NOT amused.

Can you see the imminent display of his mom's temper?

One does NOT come between me {or Gabe, apparently} and chocolate.

Monna, this one's for you

I haven't been feeling particularly witty today.  Or most of this week.  So, I'm going to share some of the things that made me giggle this week.

From hackedirl.com, because Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter."

And because I'M GOING TO DO THIS ONE OF THESE DAYS (one of these days when I get more than four consecutive hours of sleep):

From myfoodlooksfunny.com.  

And, of course, an Office quote. 

Jim:  Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.

Dwight:  But I haven't told you my salary yet.

Jim:  Go.

Dwight:  Eighty thousand dollars.

Maybe two Office quotes, because it's all on NetFlix and I can't get enough...

Jim:  I miss Dwight.  Congratulations, universe.  You win.

And this isn't funny, but is news worthy:

Ethan's end of the year orchestra concert.  What was funny was that during a piece called "Fiddler's Frolic," Ethan TOTALLY started gettin' jiggy with it.  He was the ONLY one, and it was HYSTERICAL.

Also, because Ethan is AWESOME, I helped chaperon a field trip today.  A walking field trip.  Did I mention that it rained today?  It did, but we still went.  Why, you may ask? Because it was a field trip to a CHOCOLATE FACTORY.  And you don't miss out on a behind-the-scenes look at a chocolate factory unless you're in the hospital.  

While we were crossing a street, Ethan looked both ways and shouted "perception check!" before leaving the sidewalk (which is something you do in Dungeons and Dragons to see what's around you, so--for example--a goblin doesn't jump out of the shadows and kill you).  

I may or may not have been one of the highlights of the field trip, because...

I figured out why grown women don't play tag in the rain. 

It's because, inevitably, they slip on the wet grass while running.  At that point, your average grown woman will take the fall--and the tag--and just go down.

Not me.

I did a James Bond-style roll-and-come-up-running maneuver, thus avoiding the tag.  By a little fourth grader in pig tails.  (I won't lie; I'm kinda impressed with myself, not that I could do it again on command.) Sheesh.  How competitive am I?  I thought Ethan's teacher was going to die laughing.  At least she knows part of where he gets it.  Did I mention that last week during reading he kept saying "barominator" instead of "barometer?"  Yeah.  We don't take the hit at our house.  We keep on going.  Even when the other moms, safely huddled out of the rain, look on in horror.

(I swear, I do clean his face from time to time).  This is Gabe's new dinner entertainment:  he tries with all of his might to get to my rosin, which--for now, until he's more mobile--is stored on the music stand behind his high chair.  See his hand, sneaking to the left?  Yeah.  He wants the rosin BAD.  When I look down to get another spoonful, he gets in a few swipes at it.  His determination is classic.  Man, soooo many things in that picture need to be moved soon...I'm just lucky he hasn't managed to get peas all over the cello somehow.  I really need to enjoy the few remaining weeks of his stationary status. 

The end.  I'm tired.

Death by oven

Not to traumatize Sylvia Plath fans, but if I die in the next few weeks, I'm pretty sure it will be because of my oven.

You'd think it would be GRATEFUL, given that I CLEANED it.  But NOOOOOOOO.  I'm pretty sure that, in an attempt to get back at me for NOT cleaning it for so long, it held on to some of the EZ Klene Oven Cleaner (Fresh Scent!) Chemical Blend and infused it into the Scott's Oven Pancakes (TM) I made for dinner later that day  (The dinner of champions! (TM)).  I worry because I SWEAR my tongue was numb after I ate the pancakes.  Also, when I opened up the oven to put in the pancakes, I was hit by a wave of gaseous EZ Klene chemical molecules (Fresh Scent!).  That's never a good sign.

See, this is why I never clean my oven.  In fact, I decided against cleaning my microwave OVEN as well, just to be safe.

On a non-hypochondriac note, it's been a busy week in Hoth.

1.  JON FINISHED HIS FINALS.  This means, by extension, that Jon also finished his first year of grad school.  Yay, Jon!!!!! One down, one to go...and then a few more.

2.  It's teacher appreciation week, and, being a SUCKER, I volunteered to decorate some doors.  After all, NOTHING says "thanks for teaching my kid for six hours every day when an hour of homework is like World War II and I was a RESOURCE teacher, for the love!!!" like bad puns and crooked lettering.  Being an insanely prideful person, I have to show off the end result:

Major props to my friend, April, who is ALSO a sucker...if she hadn't taken pity on me, I'd still be at the school, blowing up balloons.  (In the interest of honesty, I got the grape idea from one of about a million websites I looked at.  I just can't remember which one it was.  However, the Chicka Chicka Boom Boom door was ALL ME, BABY! Those are aide names where the letters should be.  I know.  I'm clever beyond words. Also, humble.)

3.  ELIJAH WAS BAPTIZED TODAY!!!!!  YAY, ELIJAH!!!!!  This was Elijah on the way to his interview with the bishop.  He was TERRIFIED he was going to "fail," but he did GREAT.  Note the new scriptures.  He's really happy about the cool snap closure.  If I were him, I'd say "awwww....SNAP" every time I closed my scriptures, but I'm a dork and he isn't. 

This is Jon and Elijah before the party started.  Elijah is such a GREAT kid.  Look how handsome he is with his new "army man" (read that: "tired stepmom meets hair clippers") haircut:

Guys, I cannot emphasize how proud of Elijah I am.  He may be a kid, but he's had more opposition to this choice than most adults, and from sources that have the most influence in a kid's life.  When he says he knows it something he's supposed to do and that the Holy Ghost told him it's the right choice, he means it.  He didn't do this lightly or just because Jon and I wanted him to (in fact, that was one of the cons, I think).  He's been a really good example to a lot of the adults around him, myself included.  I have been blessed with amazing stepsons.

And last but not least, the fam.

Phew.  That was a long one. See you next week, when I tell you about Ethan's science fair project.  (hee hee.  I made him write a grant proposal. heh.  Poor kid.)

Oh.  Wait.  I almost forgot the baby picture:

Dharma figured out that babies are a good source of nutrition.  Gabe's her new best friend.