WTFudge??? ( 'Cause I don't swear. At least with that word.)

Warning: if you are easily offended or have a tight definition of what constitutes "TMI," this post may not be for you...just sayin'...

The players in today's drama:

DHARMA: My. Stupit. Dog.

ETHAN: My WONDERFUL ten-year-old.

As I was doing yet another spreadsheet because they make me feel more in control of my life,* Ethan was rooting around in the cushions** of the big, cushy, brown arm chairs we inherited from Vanessa, the source of all our classy furniture and art*** and I hear this, "HEY!!! I think I found something that belongs to Gabriel!"

So I turn around, all ready to be, like, "Wow. A toy. Yay."

But instead am like, "WHAT THE CRAP???"

Because pinched between Ethan's thumb and forefinger was one of my

duh duh DAH!!!

NIPPLE SHIELDS.

INTACT.

So I was all, like..."COOL! I accidentally left it downstairs last night after I watched NetFlix TV To Rot Your Brain****. You found it before Dharma got to it! Thanks, Ethan!" and then I go back to furiously working on my Spreadsheet of Doom before Gabriel wakes up.

But then I hear, "Hey! Another one! And another one!"

This is where I have to point out that I only have two nipple shields--one in use, and one still safely packaged--my backup for when I accidentally leave the other one down and Dharma eats it, just like she did the other four. They are both upstairs. I checked.

So here's what I figured out. Instead of eating the yummy nipple shields,*****


SHE GINGERLY CARRIED THEM DOWNSTAIRS AND HID THEM IN THE SOFA, LIKE BONES.

My dog is weird.

And to think, I yelled at her for eating my nipple shields because they are expensive little pieces of plastic, when she was just helping me take care of them, because--apparently--she was more capable of putting them in a safe place than I was.

PS--Alannis, THIS IS IRONIC. Don'cha think????

Sorry about the excessive footnotes. I can't help myself...it's how I think. You can read them or not. I wish I could think them or not, my brain would be much more organized...

*HAAA!!! MASTERCARD is in control of my life. Also, the Logan City Power people, but that's another story...

**Looking for money? Hair? Corn dog sticks? Who knows. Everyone knows that couch cushions are GROSS and you only stick your hand there if you are looking for the remote control. Put this on the list of weird things boys do. Ugh.

***Jon arranges it all; if I did, we'd look like Rednecks With Nice Stuff

****Remington Steele. Long on sexual tension, short on plot. But really, who needs plot when you have Pierce Brosnan. You know how he really couldn't sing in Mamma Mia? Well, let's get real. No one cared. Because he's Pierce Brosnan.

*****'cause they're like mommy-coated doggy candy. YUM!!!