"If irony were strawberries, we'd all be having smoothies!"

They say that God speaks every person in an individualized way that s/he will understand. If that's true, when He talks to me, it's in a tone that's heavy on the sarcasm.

In fact, He probably would tape record ME talking to my kids just so He could play it back to me at JUST the right moment.

For example:

• Stop picking on your brother!!!! (said to the boys on any given day)
• I warned you that would happen! (generally said to Ethan when he decides to ignore my advice)
• You know, I'm not as dumb as you seem to think I am. (also to Ethan, when he looks at me like I have NO IDEA what he's talking about or going through)
• Do you know why you're in trouble? (to Elijah as an introduction to the "next time, let's..." speech)
• It would be nice if you would just take my word for it! (to either of the boys during the endless cross-examinations they give me 1. to make sure I've made up my mind or 2. to check my facts)
• Why do you assume I'll say "no?" (to Ethan, who stops himself mid-question EVERY TIME because he thinks he knows my answer. It's not ALWAYS no!)
• I think the phrase you're looking for is "thank you." (usually to Ethan, when dinner is something he doesn't like)
• I'm not trying to make you miserable...I'm trying to help you! (said repeatedly during homework and chores)
• Why aren't you listening to me? (or its corollary) How many times do I have to TELL YOU??? (you try making through a day without saying that when there are kids in the house!)
• Shhhhh....everything is going to be okay...I'm right here...[and then I kiss his forehead] (to the older boys after nightmares and to Gabriel when he is crying inconsolably because life as he knows it is miserable)

Thank heavens God is more patient than I am...I would have smitten me long ago...