And so, in summary...

Jon doesn't have children.  He has spawn.  I say that with all the love in my heart, because they are my spawn, too...but still.  Spawn.  Spawn that takes over your body, mind, and will, like one of those eels that Khan put in Chekhov's ear in Star Track (Elise!) II.

Body, because...well, I'll spare you the gory lactation details, just in case my in-laws read this.  But pregnancy... really, if the average male saw something writhing in HIS abdomen, they'd leap straight to "spawn," too.  And then promptly go Sigourney Weaver on its butt.

Mind, because...there is a list of stuff that I did NOT like until I was carrying Jon's spawn, but now I can't seem to get enough of it:

1.  Oreos
2.  Pepsi
3.  Guns N Roses

I also acknowledge that vanilla is a flavor (although chocolate is still superior).

Will, because....Gabriel thinks he's some kind of a Jedi.  He's spent the last week working on his already impressive mind trick skillz.  Examples include (but are not limited to):

1.  "You want to make me a bottomless chocolate sippy cup."
2.  "You want to let me have a chocolate chip granola bar for dinner.  And a chocolate sippy cup."
3.  "You don't mind if I play on the computer all day long, with Dinosaur Train playing on the TV in the background.  While I hold this chocolate sippy cup."
4.  "You want to feed me ALL of your bowl of 'I Can't Believe They Aren't Cap'n Crunch Berries.'  You will not take ONE bite.  Now hold my chocolate sippy cup."
5.  "I don't need to sleep.  Ever.  Now give me back my chocolate sippy cup."

He's had limited success.  When it doesn't work...let's just say...Mom, thanks for letting ME live to adulthood.  Overall, mommy/toddler relations in the Alfred household for the week can be summarized thusly:



I'm the guy with a squirrel gnawing on his jugular.  It's probably my fault, though...as you can see in Exhibit A:

The pic isn't blurry...he's vibrating because of the excess Nutella intake.  He's like a junkie waiting for his fix to hit.

But there's more than just a toddler in the house.  What with an infant...strike that...NEWBORN in the house as well, I've had a huge amount of time to entertain myself late at night.  And late at night, let me tell you, two things happen:

1.  My usual high standards for humor drop dramatically.  Napoleon Dynamite is a big hit with me at 2 AM (also at 2 PM, but that's besides the point.  And don't get me started on The Man Who Knew Too Little).
2.  I have a higher tolerance for naughtiness.
3.  I giggle like an idiot, waking Jon up even though we aren't even in the same room.  Jon LOVES 2 AM Meegan.  Loves her, I say!

The newborn is also affecting my ability to count...anyhoo, back on the ranch.  Late night boredom while nursing/keeping the wide-awake newborn company is how I found the squirrel video.


Which somehow led to this:



I'm seriously disturbed that I laughed so hard at lamb...fries.

CHOO CHOO!  The train didn't stop there!

Jen, the beyond awesome Cake Wrecks lady, posted THIS LINK TO MY NEW FAVORITE BLOG on her other blog, Epbot.  Warning:  the Bloggess MOST DEFINITELY doesn't mind using "colorful metaphors," one of  which would usually bug the tar out of me, but somehow...at 2 AM, I couldn't stop laughing.  And then I found the most recent post (HERE) and thought...where WAS this lady when I was younger and looking for ways to entertain myself the LAST time I lived in Hoth?????

And then I got thinking about oldie but goodie videos that I never seem to get tired of watching, which led me to this...



Guns N Roses...I tell ya, it's another Ceti Eel...which led to this...



And so, in summary:


All of this leads me to the inescapable conclusion that the earwig I accidentally sucked out of the "straw" of my hospital sippy cup (which, sadly, NEVER had chocolate milk in it) may have actually been a Ceti Eel.

It's the only thing that makes sense...